In the Eye of the Beholder
by baka deshi
Summary: [Complete] "After all these years, I still can't tell him how I feel for him." I apologize for this ahead of time.


I apologize for this ahead of time. And regular readers, please hang in there ^_~ 

* * *

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" 

He doesn't reply, of course—just keeps walking, as if I said nothing at all. He never replies. But I've gotten used to it, over the years, and now I can read his gait as easily as if his thoughts were sparkling in the air like fireworks. He's bothered by something, I can see it in the way his legs stiffen. 

See him walking. See him pause, to sniff the air. His brother must be around, judging by the way his hackles are rising. I wonder if he knows how beautiful he is, when he does that. If I were still a foolish youth, I might risk angering him just to see those flashing eyes tuned on me…that heated gaze sweeping every inch of my body. His eyes are the most wonderful thing about him, I think, next, of course, to his luxurious hair. Funny, how I never used to notice it much. I even dared to play with it, tagging behind him just close enough to bat at the ends. His temper wasn't so short with me then, and he tolerated my transgressions with far more grace than he would today. 

I wonder, what have I done to change things between us? 

He hasn't said much to me this morning, and normally I'd be fine with that. Still, I can't shake the lingering feeling that I've done something wrong. Ever since I reached maturity, it seems as if there's an ocean separating us—this unreachable gap that I can't quite put my finger on. 

He pauses briefly, then abruptly kneels down beneath an oak tree, and I can tell that he's giving us a chance to rest. Predictably, that—_thing_—is already clamoring for his attention, squawking loudly. What a horrid noise! My left foot twitches and I resist the urge to kick, knowing full well that my master forbid that behavior long ago. Instead, I give him a smile and ask for permission to go swim in the nearby stream. I'd like to think his choice of resting place is a concession to my need for a bath, but that, too, would be presuming too much. I trudge down the river bank with a heavy heart and pray that the fish will see fit to stay away from toes today. I hate it when they bite. 

The water is cool against my skin and I am instantly refreshed, glad for the feel of it running between my fingers. I undress and begin the methodical process of washing, doing my best to clean the sweat and grime away. Perhaps if I smelt better Sesshoumaru-sama would allow me to follow him more closely. Then again, his foppish pet monster gets to stick close to him regardless of its stench, and I _know_ I can't possibly reek as badly. 

Where did I go wrong, I wonder? 

My reflection stares back at me mockingly, and I am surprised as usual to see how much I have grown. I look so much like my mother now that it almost seems as if she is staring at me from the water, a shadow-mother smiling lightly up from the depths. The men always said she was counted as one of the finest ladies in the village, and I know her shining eyes had bewitched more men than just my father. Still, it is not any of my village-folk that I am interested in attracting. 

_If only he could see me as a **woman**_! I sigh, and rake my fingers through the mocking image. I simply can't understand it. I _know_ I must be attractive. Some demons have even complimented me, during our travels, and I would be lying if I said their words did not affect me. Still, none of them are my Sesshoumaru-sama. Why can't he see my beauty? I have even let him catch me partially naked—as much as admission makes me blush. Why does he always turn away? 

Maybe--maybe I am ugly to him. 

We are not the same species, after all. How _do_ dog demons tell what is beautiful? Is it scent? Is it body type? Do they look for bushy tails, or firm muzzles? I have none of these things. Or do they only wish for power? I am hopelessly weak, next to his glory, and there is nothing that could ever make us equals. I know that now, though I used to think such things didn't matter. Maybe… 

But enough! I shake my head firmly and water sprays everywhere, causing tiny rainbows to leap along the shoreline. Nothing will come from despair. Nothing will happen if I give up now. 

I rise and face the day again. 

Someday, he will understand the depths of my devotion. I could have left him and gone back to my village, back to where I belong, but I chose to stay with him instead. I _choose_ to stay with him even now. And each day I rise and thank the gods anew that he allows me to tag along—though I be inferior and useless. Someday, I will be able to express my feelings for him. 

Someday… 

"Jaken!!! Where are you?" 

But for now, I must go. My master is calling. 

* * *

*snicker* Okay, now that I've got that out of my system…yes, I know that Jaken is male. This was just meant to make fun of all the "Rin has a crush" fics. I hope it amused you. 


End file.
